I have a confession to make: until I made these bad boys, I wasn’t a huge fan of chocolate cookies. They’ve always felt kind of – this feels so sacrilegious to say – boring and one-note to me. But I must have just been eating all the wrong chocolate cookies because these are something spectacular, if I do say so myself. They’re like a cross between a brownie and a cookie, but somehow even better than both.
It takes a certain level of precision to write with icing, I’ve learned, and it’s a level I have definitely not quite reached yet. There’s nothing like the feeling of betrayal that comes from trying to pipe a straight line and then having your hand shake the entire time. And it’s also really fun to realize that your inability to write in a straight line on regular paper also carries over to cookies. The “merry and bright” cookie has such a slant it’s practically italics! New Year’s resolution: work on my penmanship.
Kitchen accidents are a mixed bag – sometimes you invent the chocolate chip cookie and other times, you just end up with an inedible mess.
These bars include not one, but two mistakes, so you’d think they’d be twice as bad, but they actually might be one of the best things I’ve ever made.
It’s funny how the universe works sometimes.
I need to get something off my chest. Chocolate cookies aren’t my favorite. When a craving hits, I’m more likely to buy a chocolate bar than bake a batch of cookies, mainly because I’m impatient and cannot delay gratification for chocolate.
If I’m being completely honest though, the real reason I rarely bake them is because most recipes call for melted chocolate in the batter, which means I have to get a separate bowl to melt the chocolate, and then, invariably, half of the chocolate is going to get stuck and caked onto the bowl, and then I have to figure out how to get rid of the chocolate without clogging my drain and it becomes one big mess. I’m really just lazy, okay?
After googling high and low for a recipe without melted chocolate and coming up empty, I decided to make my own recipe. Because I do what I want and this is a free country and ‘MURICA, F YEAH. That escalated quickly.
When I was a baby, my mother was taking a nap with me on the bed and when she woke up, I wasn’t there. Apparently I had fallen off the bed and rolled under it. I was still asleep when she found me.
When I was a kid, about 5 or 6, my mother would take me to work with her all the time. She was getting her PhD in agricultural engineering (if you’ll excuse me, I believe my Midwest is showing) and worked in a lab filled with chemicals and hazard signs. I vividly remember her telling me not to touch anything because the chemicals were so dangerous they would burn a hole through my skin. I think she demonstrated on a paper towel.
She biked me to elementary school one day in the pouring rain.
We were on the way to summer camp once when she got pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign, even though she actually did stop. He gave her a ticket, so she took him to court and won.
She breaks things a lot and tells horrible jokes and yells even when she’s not angry. She also puts my happiness above her own and tells me all the time how proud she is of me and sends me care packages because she thinks I don’t eat enough.
This is my mother. I love her and she’s perfect.
This is a public service announcement. You know those 3-ingredient cookies that have been floating all over Pinterest? Not the peanut butter ones (those are incredible), I’m talking about the ones with oats, bananas, and chocolate chips. They’re a lie. The cookie is a lie!
For starters – don’t call them cookies. Cookies are one of the most delightful treats known to man and they don’t deserve to have their good name sullied by being associated with these banana-oat patties. Call them oatmeal hockey pucks. Call them tastebud-killers. Call them life-ruiners.
And what did bananas, oats, and chocolate chips ever do to deserve such heinous mistreatment?
Most importantly, these fakers are disgusting. They’re so gross – both tasting and looking – to the point of being offensive and I die a little bit inside each time they get repinned. I totally understand that sometimes you get a cookie craving that cannot go unsatisfied and find that your pantry is completely empty, but do yourself a favor and just say no to these. These are a pathetic excuse for a cookie and eating one will only make you want the real thing more.
How about this, Pinterest – the next time I find myself with oats, bananas, and chocolate chips, how about I just MAKE A BOWL OF BANANA CHOCOLATE CHIP OATMEAL.
The reason I bring up these disgusting three-ingredient atrocities is because I have a real three-ingredient cookie recipe that is a cinch to whip up (if you have a stand or hand mixer) and actually tastes incredible.
Friends, if you are looking for cookies with the least amount of ingredients possible, look into meringues. It’s all in the egg whites, baby.